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\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your Hebrew name?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your Hebrew name?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
That was all the text message said. No empathetic opening like \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I heard about what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going on\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or acknowledgment of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153that must be really tough.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
I knew exactly what the sender was getting at \u00e2\u20ac\u201c he wanted to pray for me and needed the mystical equivalent of my teudat zehut <\/em>(my Israeli ID number).<\/p>\n This brief WhatsApp exchange was just the first in a series of awkward moments I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve encountered since telling people I have cancer. As much as the diagnosis was a shock to me, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been an even bigger one to friends and family who were not privy to the repeated pokes and scans and blood tests that preceded the final verdict.<\/p>\n One thing I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve learned in the relatively short time I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been living with follicular lymphoma is that people don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how to respond when they first hear about someone who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sick.<\/p>\n I understand that much better now. You really have to have been through a life threatening condition \u00e2\u20ac\u201c either personally or by caring for a loved one \u00e2\u20ac\u201c to truly \u00e2\u20ac\u0153get it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d And even then, every individual responds differently to his or her illness, so the compassionate thing to say to one person might come off as uncaring to another.<\/p>\n I decided to write down a list of the most appropriate words I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d want to hear. Then I found that Letty Cottin Pogrebin<\/a> had already done the same thing.<\/p>\n Pogrebin was a founding editor of Ms. Magazine. Her most recent book of non-fiction, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How to be Friend to a Friend Who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Sick<\/a>,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d was written after the author was diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago.<\/p>\n Pogrebin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s book is filled with valuable insight. Asking \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How are you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d for example, is a loaded question for someone who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ill, she writes. In normal discussion, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s meant as a breezy placeholder for a longer conversation to be held later, where the questioner is expecting just a quick \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fine, how are you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in response.<\/p>\n But for a sick person, that simple salutation triggers a fairly complex decision-making process, where one has to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153decide on the spot, questioner by questioner, friend by friend, situation by situation, how candidly to respond,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Pogrebin explains.<\/p>\n Here are a few tips I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve picked up during my own bout with cancer.<\/p>\n Wishing a sick person refuah shlemah<\/em> \u00e2\u20ac\u201c a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153complete recovery\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in Hebrew \u00e2\u20ac\u201c is a standard formulation in Jewish circles that does the job succinctly without descending into platitudes or clich\u00c3\u00a9s. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s much better than faux encouraging lines like \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Everything happens for a reason,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re so brave\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re all going to die someday. You could be hit by a car tomorrow.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Similarly, while it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s true that my cancer may very well \u00e2\u20ac\u0153change me for the better,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that sentiment is better off coming from me, not from someone else, however well intentioned.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Let me know if you need anything\u00e2\u20ac\u009d sounds comforting but it actually puts the onus on the sick person to proactively reach out for assistance. In her book, Pogrebin suggests that a more helpful response might be \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How can I help?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What can I do?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Another from Pogrebin: Do your best to suss out where the sick person is at before engaging in conversation. A chipper \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Tell me all about it!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d might not be received as supportive by someone in pain. Sometimes it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s appropriate to change the subject; other times, the best thing to say is just \u00e2\u20ac\u0153cancer sucks\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and leave it at that.<\/p>\n When it comes to giving advice, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fine if the sick person initiates. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hey you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a nutritionist, what do you know about sugar and tumors?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d But otherwise, that YouTube video you saw about how your favorite holistic therapy can cure cancer may come across as pushing an agenda I might not be ready to hear.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re so healthy. You work out, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re always hiking, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t smoke. And your wife\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a vegan. How could this have happened?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d But it did. And science doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what causes lymphoma. It could be genetics. It could be overuse of antibiotics. It could be the environment. Or all of the above.<\/p>\n These last two points underlie what I think is behind many of the comments people make: fear. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s terrifying when someone gets cancer because it forces you to confront not only your friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mortality but your own.<\/p>\n